And if you haven’t been hangin’ ’round the ‘hood, you may not know that “pimp” is no longer a derogatory term. Used as a verb it now means to customize or make cool, hip and stylish (but usually in a Huggy Bear sort of way).

In this article we’ll explore the various ways that wines are currently pimped and try out some pimpin’ ourselves.

Tricks of da Trade

There’s a whole posse of winemakers out there who’ve jumped on the natural or real wine bandwagon dissin’ the wild manipulations we’re looking at here. That’s all fine and noble, but make no doubt about it: we’re going to blast right past their horse-drawn booties so hang on to your hat (which would be a velvet fedora if you’re truly with us).

The ways that wines are pimped:

• Oak Barrels, Sheaves, Chunks, Chips, Dust, Essence, etc.
  Oak is the old school way to to get those great toasty vanilla, butter, clove and black pepper flavas. These flavas will vary depending on what type of oak and how its toasted. Barrels are legal everywhere but cost a lot of dough and slows down the process. The fastest way and cheapest method, oak essence, is contraband practically everywhere. Most of the new world (Australia, Chile, California etc) allows chunks, chips, and dust to get the great flava as easy as makin’ tea.
• MicroOxygenation
  MicroOxygenation replicates the way barrels let in a little oxygen to help the wine mellow and soften the tannins etc. but in a turbocharged way. I’m thinkin’ Oak chips + MicroOxygenation= Barrique aging. Why let your wine chill in a barrel when you can be sippin’ it today?
• Cultured Yeast
  Yeast occurs naturally on the skin of all grapes which is basically how we first found out about fermentation. The old school still use this natural yeast to make their wines but are missin’ out on a whole other world of flava like the cherry banana bubblegum found in most Beaujolais Nouveau. Without their signature Yeast 71B — made in Holland from tomatoes — they’d still be limpin’ along like Beaujolais Oldveau. Those Dutch cats know a thing or two about better livin’ through chemistry.



• Flavorings
  Totally illegal but who’s goin’ to know? A little cherry here, a little rasberry there and you’re on your way to a major thermonuclear fruit bomb. Yo! Lady Jancis of Robinson’s OCW¹ states that illegal flavoring used to be easy to catch when they were isoproponal based but now that they’re ethanol (the same alcohol in wine) based they’re almost impossible to detect.
• Chapitalization
  A big word for adding sugar to the grape juice before fermentation. Since all the sugar is fermented into alcohol, it’s for makin’ a wine more powerful not for makin’ it sweet. Word up.
• Reverse Osmosis
  Hi-tech lab method used to lower the octane on high alcohol juice. The opposite of Chapitalization. What’s up with that yo?
• Acidification
  Hot weather makes grapes very ripe with low acid which means low refreshment. No prob Holmes: a few scoops of tartaric acid will make it all better. Sad how global warmin’s gettin’ way too many wines hooked on acid.
• Deacidification
  The opposite of Acidification and very rare these days.
• Etc.
  If you really need to geek out see A comparison of legislation about winemaking additives and processes

Buildin’ a Thermonuclear Fruit Bomb

This is how we do it.

“Thermonuclear Fruit Bomb” is a term from the OG² himself – Mr. Robert Parker Jr. – that signifies a monster wine holdin’ back no punches, with gobs of decadent fruit, board-feet of luxurious oak, etc. etc. Our goal was to take a tame wine and make it into one of those fantabulous bling-bling monsters. The experiment was under professional supervision by our own DJ Dr. Frank but can be tried in the comfort of your own home if you don’t mind blowin’ out your taste buds. Armed with Sinatrin 17 Natural Oak Flavor and Richie Brand Raspberry, Cherry and Cherry Brandy Flavor Packs we were ready to get down to some serious pimpin’. All these adulterants are readily available in any home wine making shop and all are completely illegal in commercial wine making so if the ATF³ calls, you don’t know nothing’ OK cuz?

Since it seems everyone’s pimping these days it was damn difficult to find a pimp-free wine to work on. Most cheap wines these days are pretty much pre-pimped with some clumsy-ass oak or fruit jackin’ yeasts. We had to go through the whole bottom shelf just to find a few inoffensive ones: a 2004 Bell’agio Chianti and a 2003 Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon AKA Two Buck Chuck. The Two Buck Chuck (4 X 50 Cent) was surprisingly low key but no match for the Chianti which became our blank slate for pimpin’.

• Note on the base wine:
  Practically no aroma, very little flavor some indistinguishable fruit but good acids and no faults – technically vinous. Tasted blind it barely registered as a red.



• A few oak drops later:
  Uh, oh Dr. Frankenstein, it’s ALIVE! No wonder everyone’s pimpin’ their wines.
• Then the cherry flava:
  Very scary, very convincing – a definite improvement on the original. Who’s zoomin’ who?
• Then the raspberry:
  Aroma convincing but the the palate is getting a little contrived.
• Then the cherry brandy flava:
  Added to vodka and water, this one makes a cheap cherry brandy. Added to our pimped Chianti it makes a cheap tacky wine. Yo! Ciao vino. And we was just getting’ started!

One From da Mac Daddy

When we were lookin’ ’round for some wines to pimp we came across this tricked out outrageous mutha from St. Emilion, the 2003 Château Fombrauge. Holy lumberyard Batman! This dawg’s throwin’ off more oak than the Sinatrin 17! Yo! Fantabulous for serious pro-oak wine geeks (also known as woodchucks, beavers and termites – see the Compleat Wine Geek Glossary for more info) and probably the easiest way to get your year’s allowance of oak without wearin’ out your teeth. It also has loads of plump curvy fruit to make for some serious sippin’. Consulted on by da mac daddy of wine pimpin’ himself – Michel Rolland – this one is burstin’ with flava. Yeah a mad fly Emilion.

Conclusion

A little pimpin’ can give a lame wine some bling but thermonuclear fruit bombs still must be made in the vineyard.

¹OCW=Oxford Companion to Wine
²OG=Original Gangsta
³ATF=Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (yo wine is a weapon)

“We will sell no wine before its time.”

The allure of fine old wines has been around long before Orsen Wells uttered those immortal words for Paul Masson. Homer and Pliny both praised fine old wines aged in amphorea – large ancient terra cotta vessels, the original jug wines – and the idea that old is better has pretty much stuck. Which is probably why people usually drink wines that are older than they should be. Most wines simply aren’t made to age. Still, there are quite a few great wines made for the long haul and I always get excited about the prospect of trying old wines.

People often ask “what was your favorite or most memorable wine?” Having either a bad memory or a complete lack of imagination, I always mention the oldest wines I’ve ever tasted: an 1860 Cossart Gordon Sercial Madeira and a 1934 Château Margaux. Both were not the most delicious wines I’ve ever tried but certainly the most memorable. There’s something strange and wonderful about tasting a wine older than yourself. For me it seems an amazing way to experience a bit of history — a bit like communing with the ancient wine gods — but for different people it means different things. The godfather of California winemakers, the late André Tchelistcheff once said that “tasting old wine is like making love to a very old lady. It is possible. It can even be enjoyable. But it requires a little bit of imagination.” I like a sexual metaphor as much as the next guy but that’s definitely not my bag, baby!

1. Finding Fine Old Wines

Back to the wine. If you’re like me you probably don’t have a cellar full of ancient wines so you’ll have to find them somewhere. It takes quite a bit of research which can also be part of the fun. The best resource I’ve found for quickly identifying old wines that have a chance of still being drinkable is Michael Broadbent’s awesome book Vintage Wine. He’s probably tasted more old wines than anyone else. For instance the ’34 Margaux which was a big deal for me he’s tried 15 times. Armed with this book and wine-searcher.com — which helpfully lists current auctions as well as retail stock lists – you can get a good idea of the risk/reward ratio for wines currently available. After a bit of research, I found a 1959 Huet Le Haut-Lieu Demi-Sec Vouvray for $96, a 1953 Leoville Barton for $137 and a 1971 Schloss Reinhartshausen Hattenheimer Rheingau Spatlese (try saying that 5 times fast!) for $65. They’re not inexpensive but seem fairly cheap compared to 2005 Bordeaux futures like Chateau Cheval Blanc for $850 a bottle! I also double checked the viability of these selections obsessively on eRobertParker.com, Neil Martin’s Wine Journal, The Bailey brother’s Fine Wine Diary and good ol’ google. The next thing to do is to assess the bottle’s condition and especially its ullage. Its whatage?

2. Ullage and other important things

Ullage is the kind of word that will make you sound smart. It’s used in rocket science to describe the empty space above the fuel. Of course the term originated in wine making to describe the space between the cork and wine making it even smarter. Winebid.com has an excellent description of ullage in relation to what should be expected at the different ages of a wine. Other things to consider are the capsule (foil), cork and label condition all covered in great detail at Brentwood Wine. A torn label which obviously doesn’t affect the wine usually means a lower price for those actually interested in drinking as opposed to collecting.

Any good wine merchant dealing in fine old wines will provide you with a decent assessment of the bottle condition including a photograph of the bottle. They’ll also only ship when the weather is mild so don’t expect a delivery in the heat of summer or the dead of winter.

OK, the wines have arrived and we’re ready to taste!:

3. Tasting in Mini Verticals

A vertical tasting is different vintages of the same wine (ie Ridge Monte Bellos from 1971 to 2000http://www.wine-journal.com/ridge_montebello_vertical.html), while a horizontal tasting is all from the same vintage but different wines (ie a bunch of different 2002′s). A mini-vertical is simply having a younger bottle of the same wine on hand both as a back-up if the old one is bad and as a reference point if it isn’t. This is especially handy if you’re opening an old bottle for a special occasion. We tasted all three old bottles in mini-verticals:

1953 Leoville Barton St. Julien / 1997 Leoville Barton St. Julien

1953 was one of the greatest Bordeaux vintages of the 20th Century. Broadbent’s last tasting note on the ’53 Leoville Barton was in 1988 where he gave it 4 out of 5 stars but warned “drink up”. Robert Parker gave this wine 95 points as one of the classic Leoville Bartons but his last tasting of it was in 1994. This bottle was a big risk even though the bottle was at mid-shoulder fill, making it typical for its age. The saturated cork came out fine and I started to decant. Damn! A murky brown soup with very little aromatics, it was completely dead. Everyone took a sad sip out of curiosity. Just a faint woody oxidized flavor where a wine once stood. RIP 1953. Luckily the ’97 was quite a treat and a testament to the value of “off vintages”. 1997 was a good year in St. Julien but not amazing. It was drinking very well, perfectly mellowed and ripe tannins, a big pile of pencil shavings and some nice black currant fruit peeking through. $50 for a perfectly aged bottle is not bad considering that the 2005 will set you back $120 and won’t be drinkable for another decade or so.

1959 Huet Le Haut-Lieu Demi-Sec Vouvray / 2002 Huet Clos de Bourg Demi-Sec Vouvray

The inspiration for tasting an old Huet came from Chris Coad’s Huet-a-Thon which I read about a few years back. I even emailed Chris a photo of the bottle before I purchased it. I had some reservations about possible seepage from the cork but he thought it was a good risk for $96 since Chenin Blanc is fairly bullet-proof. Unfortunately this one had taken some heavy strafing and was somewhat subdued. It was simply as if its flavor volume had been turned down to 5. As we all expected this clear deep gold liquid to be turned up to 11 it was a bit of a letdown. Perhaps it was slightly corked even though there was none of the telltale musty smells. Still, there was enough to go on to get a decent idea of how good it could have been: a very complex slightly oxidized arrangement of dill, spearmint, honeycomb, pineapple, over-ripe pear, orange rind, lemon and cheesy notes. It was tired but still interesting. I couldn’t get a more recent Le Haut-Lieu Demi Sec so it wasn’t exactly a vertical. Anyway the 2002 was probably too young anyway. It was powerfully aromatic and concentrated with honeyed peach, pineapple, coconut, almond and lemon oil with a bit of ripe apple on the palate. Great lively acidity and very long cheesy pineapple finish. Excellent and going to get better in a few more years. Once again, the younger wine saved the day but at least we got to experience the additional layers of flavor complexity that age brings to the great Vouvrays of Huet.

1971 Schloss Reinhartshausen Hattenheimer Spatlese /2002 Schloss Reinhartshausen Hattenheimer Spatlese

Like most people I can’t resist and drink fine Reislings way too early. It’s so common that there’s even a name for this crime: Vinfanticide. The great German wine importer Terry Theise gives these aging recommendations: “KABINETT: peaks from 4-6 years and shouldn’t fade till about age 15. Again, it’s not an abrupt demise, but rather a deliberate twilight slide. That said, I have in mind that 1961 Kabinett I drank at Schmitt-Wagner; 42 years old and going strong. SPÄTLESE: peaks from 7-10 years and shouldn’t fade till about age 25. AUSLESE: peaks from 12-15 years and shouldn’t fade till about age 35. BEERENAUSLESE: peaks from 25 years or so, and shouldn’t fade till about age 50. TBA: I know you’ll hate to hear this, but these wines aren’t designed to fit into a human lifetime. Unless you started buying TBA when you were, like, seventeen, every bottle you have will outlive you.” Once again, we’re pushing the limits of age but this time we come up with a winner. The 1971 is a pure medium deep amber with a fairly powerful concentration of smoky glazed fruits, dried apricots, tropical fruits and coconut almost like a Tokaji Aszú. Beautifully layered with a long finish. The contrast to the 2002 was equally amazing. How could this pale greenish yellow weakish but classic Riesling be the same wine? It has a lot of growing up to do!

Conclusion

This was the most fun and interesting tasting I’ve had in a long time even if two of the wines didn’t quite make it. Let’s face it: I was probably way too optimistic that the ’53 Leoville Barton was going to be drinkable. The ’59 Huet was just bad luck but the ’71 Schloss Reinhartshausen – a not nearly as well known wine as the others – was the sleeper favorite.

If you plan to track down and taste an old wine or two yourself, I’ve summarized a few helpful resources below. Alternatively, if you have $400 dollars or so burning a hole in your pocket you could go straight to the newly designed Chambers Street Wines site and pick up one of two mini verticals ready to go: a Blandy’s 1863 Madeira Malmsey for $374.99 paired with a 5 year old Blandy’s Madeira Malmsey for $22.99 or a Rinaldi, Francesco 1971 Barolo Cannubi, sel Cavaliere del Tar for $199.99 paired with its younger sibling, the 1982 Cannubi for $159.99. They actually have quite a few other possibilities for quite a bit less cash that are worth checking out as well. One of the owners, über gentleman Jamie Wolff, worked with Michael Broadbent and is no stranger to fine old wines.

Resources:

Michael Broadbent’s Vintage Wine If you have any interest in fine old wines this book is both indespensible and fascinating.

Wine-Searcher.com The best resource on the internet to find old wines, including both auctions and retail stock lists

Brentwood Wines All about the condition of old bottles and a reputable merchant.

Ullage WineBid.com’s guide to ullage.

eRobertParker.com

Neil Martin’s Wine Journal

The Bailey brother’s Fine Wine Diary

Wine Shipping Laws Make sure you can have wines shipped to your home before you buy.