Wine of the Week: Vistini Ribolla Gialla Colli Orientali del Friuli 2010

Ribolla Gialla is one of my all-time favorite grapes. It’s also an excellent way to wean your friends off Pinot Grigio. It’s usually more complex and less fruity – tighter and more elegant. That said, Vistini makes an amazing orange-hued(from skin maceration) Pinot Grigio.

One strange thing about this wine is that it gets more intense in the mid-palate, which is the opposite of pretty much every other wine. It might be just a short phase this bottle is going through or a phase that my taste buds are going through as well.

Wine of the Week: Valli Unite San Vito Timorasso 2010

Timorasso is one of my new favorite grapes – it’s Chenin-like but more intense. A must!

So instead of just complaining, I’ve put together a fail-safe method of how to spot a bad restaurant instantaneously. In theory it should work in the same way that a ninja assesses a threat: in a split second tallying the number of enemies, judging their skill level, determining exit routes, etc. You’ll usually have more time than a split second as the restaurant won’t be attacking you . . . unless you let it.

If more than one of these tell-tale signs crop up, you can be pretty sure that the eatery in question is indeed a BAD RESTAURANT:

1. Photographs of food
2. Pastel tablecloths
3. Glass plates
4. Long menus
5. Always empty
6. No food in sight
7. Dry
8. Loud music
9. Filthy
10. Bad toilets
11. Bad smells
12. Bad plating
13. Themes

Photos of Food
Photos could come in handy to avoid embarrassing misunderstandings – like that the local delicacy of Tordesillas, Spain is actually a medieval grey pile of boiled chicken skin and bones – but it’s usually better to give places with photos a pass. I’ll begrudgingly grant a waiver to Asian restaurants on this one, but otherwise it’s a giveaway that the restaurant’s main market segment is either tourists or grunting illiterate troglodytes. For some good examples, take look at Harmon Leon’s Bad Restaurant Food Photography.

Pastel Tablecloths
Pastel colored (coloured) tablecloths are about as fashionable as the Queen’s handbag and a surefire indication that the menu hasn’t changed since 1973; an ancient form of trickery used to distract from drab cuisine. Especially treacherous when deployed in diagonal layers or matched with pastel serving uniforms.

Glass Plates
Glass plates sound like a good idea in theory: food floating on a transparent surface. Wait, scratch that. They actually sound like a really stupid idea. In order to sell more product, the drinking glass industry has somehow convinced more than a few unwitting restauranteurs that glass plates are a refreshing and stylish twist in tableware. Yes! And they really come into their own when that pastel tablecloth shows through, visually intermingling with your hamburger patty, cottage cheese and pineapple ring (or equivalent) main course. Don’t let it happen to you.

Long Menus
When the menu makes an audible “thud” as it hits the table, beware. While it’s great for the wine list to have some heft, the same thing in a menu should send alarm bells off. Vintage food anyone?

Always Empty
What if you threw a party and nobody came? Sadly this happens to many restaurants. Or they may just be a front for money laundering. The key term here is “always”. Some excellent restaurants are sometimes empty so this isn’t going to be an instant indicator. So much for our ninja approach.

No Food in Sight
Every once in a while I walk into a restaurant where there’s nothing to betray the fact that food is actually being served. It’s especially unnerving when the place is crowded, giving the effect of a giant waiting room with tables. More shocking is that some people actually decide to join the people sitting at tables in sitting at tables. Hit the doors faster than you can say “corporate hospitality!”

Dry
No wine, no alcohol, no BYOB – no fun. I can live without wine and even without drinking any form of alcohol during a meal, but the puritanical approach to restauranteering is a reliable indicator that your meal will be every bit as enjoyable as a trip to the proctologist.

Loud Music
I don’t mind loud music but would rather have a conversation than headbang through dinner. Mario Batali’s often parodied soundtrack at Babbo, was (is still?) heavy on the Ozzy but at least the music wasn’t played at deafening levels. I remember a new local fish restaurant that looked promising but blasted Fogat (the musical equivalent of a mullet – the hairstyle, not the fish). When asked if it could be turned down a little, our waiter said that it was part of the “concept.” The crescendo of the concept must have been with the restaurant closing 2 months later in screaming guitars; Eddie Van Halen’s Eruption towering as the doors slam shut for the last time.

Filthy
One man’s filthy is another man’s Denmark. Accept only what you feel entirely comfortable with. If your dirty fork is replaced by an equally dirty fork, apologize to the waiter for having to leave because of an appointment (with basic hygiene) that you somehow forgot.

Bad Toilets
I once ate at a place where the men’s toilet had been replaced by an orange traffic cone. Everyone felt sick afterwards. Go figure.

Bad Smells
If the food smells bad, then head for the door if you’re not already outside. This is obvious, but other ambient bad smells may not be so easily assessed. The main and pretty much only criterion is if they will soon pass. In the Florida Keys there was a waterside al fresco hotel restaurant that looked appealing. But what was that sickly perfumed smell? Little machines were wafting out a masking perfume over something now obviously and hideously sulfurous. The waiter didn’t know “what we were talking about”. Before we could be hacked up and thrown into the lagoon to refresh the odious stench of death, we ran for the car.

Bad Plating
Sorry, but if the food looks bad, it probably is. One of the most disturbing examples of bad plating I’ve ever encountered was at the famous M. Manze pie shop in Southeast London. The potatoes are first run through a mechanical masher which makes them look like congealed spaghetti. To add insult to injury, the mash is then scraped onto the side of the plate giving the impression that said plate was used to shovel a small hillock of slop off the floor. Fail.

Themes
I didn’t need to tell you this, but sometimes it’s not obvious, especially when travelling with children. Are Chinese restaurants themed restaurants? No, Grasshopper, a Chinese restaurant is a Chinese restaurant, unless its t shirt shop is larger than its kitchen.

This is a work in progress. The list could go on and on. Please let me know if you have any other surefire tips to assess the threat of a potentially bad restaurant. Together we can save humanity from a world of culinary woe.

Wine of the Week: Le JONC-BLANC Bergerac, Les Sens du Fruit 2009

Delicious, quaffable and pure. No cedar/cassis flavors as might be expected, just “les sens du fruit.”

David Gissen has done it again with an amazing new Metro Wine map of California. I know that – with the exception of BART – trains aren’t that big in CA but just like his Metro Wine Map of France, this map does an excellent job of clarifying the wines and grapes of California. It’s styled a bit different from the France map, giving it a more American flavor, but with the same sense of obsessive detail.

It’s now available for pre-order and will ship Feb. 23rd.

The only question now is what country to do next?!

Wine of the Week: Château Pierre-Bise Anjou 2008

Having opened several highly oxidized white wines this week I was getting a little gun-shy. Happily this wine was in perfect condition and drinking really well right now. It definitely pushes all my buttons: restrained but flavorful, elegant, natural and amazingly inexpensive.

Since we’re in the business of selling I don’t usually go around advertising the fact that there is some quality free stuff on the site. If you’re feeling a little strapped this holiday season (or just miserly) have a look. All it takes is the ability to download a pdf, letter size-paper, an inkjet printer and possibly a letter sized frame and you’ve got yourself an appallingly cheap yet high quality gift.

If your French is better than mine (a fairly low bar), I would be eternally grateful if you could explain the title to me!

Win a Shiny New Spittoon!

Even if you don’t have a clue, any comment (a simple “sorry, dude” or “Je suis désolée, dude” will do) posted will automatically enter you into the drawing for a shiny new spittoon!

Drawing takes place Monday, December 12th.

Bonne chance!

Merci beaucoup!

It’s easy to get worked up into a shopping frenzy today, however, I’ve developed a fail-safe way to avoid anxiety:

1. Don’t shop.
2. Crack open a bottle of black wine: a Negroamaro (from Puglia) or the most famous of the black wines, Cahors.

I was excited about the Cahors but sadly we didn’t have any in the cellar. There was a bottle of its new world cousin, Argentinian Malbec, so that would have to do. It was also Mexican food tonight, so we also grabbed another Argentinian, Torrontes, the ultimate Mexican food wine. The wines are both by Susanna Balbo – Crios. I swear, I don’t have any connection to the winery but am a sucker for a great label (the same label the stodgy clerk said was “dodgy”).